A Wine Guide To Women

If the path to bliss begins with a kiss, why do you end up with blisters? Learn this: there are four basic types of women out there, types analogous to wines.
- semi-sweet 

These are the honeys who will cheat you. Attractive, easily approachable, they smile so sweetly, but their looks flatter in order to deceive.
- dry
 The unresponsive cold shoulder. No matter what you try here, you'll make little impression. If she doesn't smile within the first five minutes, get out of there.
- sparkling 

The sparkle is for them, not you. Also known as gold-diggers, these see you as just another accessory to complement (and hopefully pay for) their individual style.
- red 

Short for red-hot, these are the whirlwind passionate women you can't resist, so don't even try. Unfortunately, they invariably turn out to be femme fatales, meaning they'll kill you. But at least they're worth dying for.

Has this helped you? Learn this: any woman you meet is dangerous, far more dangerous than crossing the street. But danger always brings an adrenaline rush, and many dangers are good for you--as long as you survive them, that is. Remember the old adage, 'You can't live with them, can't live without them.' Men are clearly the weaker sex, despite their proud boasts. What's a poor boy to do? Study the whine list? Or start drinking beer--alone?

Times Sunday Man, August 19th, 2001
© Kenneth Rowley, 2001